Sunday, 3 November 2013

18

So I just found out someone just died in the uni course that I do. Man you seriously don't know when your going to die are you. So lost for words.

Thursday, 31 October 2013

bystanders

so today while i was waiting for the traffic lights to turn green an old lady a few cars ahead of me falls down hitting her head

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

How are you?

"Pretty Good." I say that almost every time someone asks me that. It's such a boring question. Small talk is boring. I hate asking it and answering it. It's a filler for conversation 'pretty good' prevents people from asking any further. "Hey man how are you" "Good" 'you' 'yea I'm alright' END. Done. I guess its like a chore, people etiquette. But then again I guess you need time to break that first barrier, like when you see a person you haven't seen for a long time. A apart of you wants to talk, another parts want to avoid cause you know its probably just small talk. Then you put a smiley face on engage in small talk, disengage after a while. Smile also goes.

Or maybe a talk would of been nice, since you did have a pretty boring day. But the other person thinks your busy heading off to someone, and you probably think the same think. Especially if they are with their friends. Maybe its the fact that we think the other person is always busy, maybe thats the reason why we don't indulge in more deeper conversations in these spontaneous moments.

.

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Far man them feels

To this day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY&feature=c4-overview&list=UUKwpJb8i4HujUYCcHO29pAQ

then I see this comment beneath the video

Or get over it. This is a video bitching about being bullied, there are kids in this world who have to wield a machine gun and kill people from the age of 6, and you think being bullied is such a problem? Fuck off.

Then I think about the kids starving  near death right now on this planet earth, or ones that have to kill others in order to survive.

I wonder whats going through their minds

Happy

Completing a marathon makes us happier than eating pork ribs. Raising a child makes us happier than beating a video game. Starting a small business with friends and struggling to make money makes us happier than buying a new computer.
And the funiny thing is that all three of the activities above are exceedingly unpleasant and require setting high expectations and potentially failing to always meet them. Yet, they are some of the mosst meaningful moments and activities of our lives. They involve pain, struggle, even anger and despair, yet once we’ve done them we look back and get misty-eyed about them..
Why?
Because it’s these sort of activities which allow us to become our ideal selves. It’s the perpetual pursuit of fulfilling our ideal selves which grants us happiness, regardless of superficial pleasures or pain, regardless of positive or negative emotions. This is why some people are happy in war and others are sad at weddings. It’s why some are excited to work and others hate parties. The traits they’re inhabiting don’t align with their ideal selves.
It’s not the end results which define our ideal selves. It’s not finishing the marathon that makes us happy, it’s achieving a difficult long-term goal that does. It’s not having an awesome kid to show off that makes us happy, but knowing that you gave yourself up to the growth of another human being that is special. It’s not the prestige and money from the new business that makes you happy, it’s process of overcoming all odds with people you care about.
And this is the reason that trying to be happy inevitably will make you unhappy. Because to try to be happy implies that you are not already inhabiting your ideal self, you are not aligned with the qualities of who you wish to be. After all, if you were acting out your ideal self, then you wouldn’t feel the need to try to be happy.
Cue statements about “finding happiness within,” and “knowing that you’re enough.” It’s not that happiness itself is in you, it’s that happiness occurs when you decide to pursue what’s in you.
And this is why happiness is so fleeting. Anyone who has set out major life goals for themselves, only to achieve them and realize that they feel the same relative amounts of happiness/unhappiness, knows that happiness always feels like it’s around the corner just waiting for you to show up. No matter where you are in life, there will always be that one more thing you need to do to be extra especially happy.
And that’s because our ideal self is always around that cornier, our ideal self is always three steps ahead of us. We dream of being a musician and when we’re a musician we dream of writing a film score and when write a film score, we dream of writing a screenplay. And what matters isn’t that we achieve each of these plateaus of success, but that we’re consistently moving towards them, day after day, month after month, year after year. The plateaus will come and go, and we’ll continue following our ideal self down the path of our lives.
The other day my uni tutor told us that when we become angry, you never

think about " Am I angry now, am I doing this right?" You tend to be 

out of your blood, you live the anger. You become the anger, then its gone. 

For some weird reason it reminded me the time when my sixth grade teacher 

told the whole class that if you try to be cool, you will never be cool.

Acts of random kindness 
http://mashable.com/2013/10/21/random-acts-of-kindness/

No work bro

Man sometimes you just hate yourself from procrastinating. You know its bad yet you do it again, and again and again. When your just about to start work your like ' oh yea why not watch a lil bit of that read a lil bit of this.' It just keeps leading on and on, when you procrastinate you want to do something, but you don't take action that is in alignment with that thought. You become conflicted within. Sometimes I would watch those motivational videos and be inspired by the spur of the moment. Your like oh just look how successful those people are, then deep inside later on your like man its probably to hard to reach their level. Look at them, then look back at you. Its weird how we at times fear we are going to fail, when we haven't even tried.Weird mentality isn't it.

When people say 'just do want you like for your profession' I wished I knew what I liked. I wished I had some sort of passion at this stage of my life.


Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Train Stations

Standing by yourself at night waiting for a train at Holsworthy for 30 mins with no one is sight is such an eerie experience.

Sunday, 28 July 2013

Dinner Date

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this 
other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally
. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked.

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.”

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed, “she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation – nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.

“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.”

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”

Regrets of the Dying

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

“This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.”

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

“Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

”This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”

Monday, 15 July 2013

Hey boy can you light my cigarette

So today whilst I was waiting for the train, sipping away at my soy milk, looking at the other side of the station to see people standing there like emotionless drones waiting to go to work. I hear a voice next to me saying ' Hey boy can you light my cigarette' I look over to see an old man with deep sunken eyes, with many patterned crevices on each side of his face. His hair was a mixture of grey and white thinned out, he also had a lil beard going on, you know the Asian type where it just grows on the bottom. I think it took a few moments before my brain realised that it was my Vietnamese teacher ten years ago. How could I forgot, every Saturday I would go to his house near the petrol station with the blue and yellow horse. He taught me outside in this small shed, it got really cold in the winter and extremely uncomfortable in the summer. I still didn't understand why he couldn't just teach me inside his house.

I could still vividly remember how he would reward me every time I got full marks for homework. He would give me an encyclopedia from his study room. I use to always get really excited since I would flip through the book ends on ends to see all the amazing pictures that it had to offer so I could draw a few in my drawing book. Sometimes I would cheat and attempt to trace the picture using the sunlight to help me, then I would colour it in with my precious collection of Crayola pencils, tracing all the outlines in a darker shade then lightly shading over the insides. 

All of this came to me by just looking at him, and from what I remember this is probably the first time I ever thought about all this in a long time, my carefree days. Then it hit me that he was still asking for a lighter of which I told him I didn't smoke. Surprisingly his English was very sharp, and I couldn't detect an accent.

He smirked and told me ' Aiming for longevity eh my boy'

He then gave out this horribly whopping cough that gave me shivers down my spine, the kind of shiver that you get when you hear nails clawing through a blackboard.

Our train came, he packed away his cigarette in his inside pocket, and we both hopped in. Never did I know that he was going to give me this long deep talk.

I have smoked for a very long time now my boy, it keeps me from being bored. When I smoke I tend to reminisce about my past a lot, the good and the bad. He then took a little pause and continued. Believe or not my marriage was arranged. It was my late twenties and all my friends were all married, my parents thought it was my time as well and arranged me to meet this local girl, and a few weeks later I married. It was very uneasy on the marriage day. If I remember correctly most of my smiles were not from the heart, they were for show, I didn't want to ruin the mood of the day. 

'So why didn't you marry earlier?' I asked

Well I use to like this girl, well girl back then. And with that his eyes glowed and he laughed a little. I was in my early twenties and I remember everyday I would catch the 10: 30 fish boat just to see her from a far, since her dad would of killed me if she knew I was seeing her. On the weekend she would tell her father that she would be going out to hang with her friends, so we can go to the beach. To to this day I will always remember climbing these really tall coconut trees so we can slip on some sweet juice. It was such a beautiful phase of my life. Then he randomly told me you know these days with the computer you can see more beautiful girls in one hour, then what I would of saw my whole teenagers years, then he did a lil eye brown raise. And with that we cracked up for a while. 

Back into a serious tone he told me one day he went to see her and she was no longer there, only to hear from the neighbours that she left for the Netherlands with another man. I was so angry that she left me for him, it probably for the money, most of all I was furious that she didn't tell me. I guess I felt more angry than sad, after that event in my my life I guess I changed as a person.

I  have to say one of my regrets in life is not showing enough intimacy with my relationship towards my life, I only realized this after she passed away. Even though through the years I did grow into loving her I never showed it, I never held her hand, say I love you cause I always thought it would of felt different and not right thats why I never did it. My wife as well never really spoke about her emotions with me, in a way we were  very distant. I was always work work work and she was always busy taking care of the kids.

You know what my boy we work work work and we expect to relax at the end of the ride. But really when you old you are hit sickness. For me recently I had a bathroom accident and severe a few vertebrates my left arm is now disable. Then I realised why his left hand was always in his jacket pocket.

When you old you feel weak and tried most of the time, I have a lump sum of money in my bank but I don't really know what to do with it but giving it to my children when my time is up. I guess you have to experience life when you are young, don't work too hard, you might look back and ask yourself where all your time went. 

Life here in Australia is very stressful, its always work work work.  Most people even turn down catching up with friends just to work. I never really like the phrase 'How are you' cause I know the other person asking doesn't care how I am, or how my day went. And if you answer good and they reply with the same thing the conversation turns uneasy. One of the great things in life is to know someone on a deep level and realizing they connect with you my boy. Don't really get to do alot of that here, in Vietnam though people in the village were so close. It was so nice, here you get to know a lot of people, but most you will only scrap the surface.

With that he took a deep breathe and place his head back. My stop is nearly here my boy, if there is one thing I want to tell you its this. Do you make mistakes sometimes?

'Of course' I answered

Then have mercy on others when they make them. People don't forgive enough in this world, and I can tell you I was one of those people.

He then gave me a nod, the type guys do to acknowledge other guys on the streets, and with that he left. 



Friday, 12 July 2013

My Modern Met

http://www.mymodernmet.com This site is awesome, there is just so many amazing things out there to experience

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Al Pacino

I asked God for a bike, but I know he doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked for forgiveness.

Lana Del Rey - Young & Beautiful is such a masterpiece

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Saw this on a traffic pole today

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you’re a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you’re a vegetarian

Sunday, 30 June 2013

2 bestfriends

2 best friends are running away from a pack of wolves. One of them can't keep up and is slowing down, the other one is still going strong. The one that can't keep up falls down and sprains his leg therefore he can't run. The other friend looks back and sees the wolfs approaching fast, he pulls out his sword to fight the wolfs. However he rethinks the situation and decides to help his friend up to continue the trek. Whilst helping his friend to get up his friend on the floor slices his leg off. It turns out he faked it all along, he walked for a few steps before turning around to his injured friend and looked him in the eye "I'm sorry.'

Thursday, 20 June 2013

For those that love happy endings

I give you the Paperman.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSxJkKiHXbw

My girlfriend's parents doesn't like me because I don't have enough zeros in my bank

So today I attended a coffee barista art class, it was pretty cool learning things like layering the coffee to art techniques for presentation. The trainer was a very interesting guy, he was a huge fan of star wars, he even attempted to explain why Luke Skywalker is 'technically not a Jedi.'I don't know if that is even possible. I also meant this half European/Australian guy in around his mid 20's he was a pretty laid back chilled guy, and since I partnered up with him for all the  coffee activities we ended up conversing about a lot of things. He asked me ' Bro do you have a girlfriend' I smiled and told him 'Naa bro not yet, my mum the other day planned out my life again for like the 7th time, she wants me to have one when I finish uni '

'Bro if it comes it comes man, you don't really have control over it'

Of course he was right, you don't know really when it does come. To my surprise however he told me he told me he already had 3 x's. The first one went overseas and they both lost contact over time due to the distants. The second one had drunk sex with his best mate, that turned out really ugly. The last one texted him one night 'I just don't feel it anymore.......' When I heard this I felt really bad for the guy, then I thought about how harsh the world can be out there, especially in the love section.

 However the good news was that he has dated his current girlfriend for almost three years and wants to get married to her. The most shocking news comes next though the thing that was holding everything back was the one thing that his girlfriend's parents told him at dinner one night. 'Do you have a lot of money, are you financially stable enough to support my daughter. He stuttered for a few seconds cause he didn't know what to say, this got his girlfriend's parents eye browns a raise. This one question got him feeling really down the next few months. He told  me me he was a waiter but recently lost him job since they were making cuts, he wanted to do this barista class to try something new. After watching countless Vietnamese soapies when I was younger when my parents, where the country boy doesn't get to marry the girl in the city because he is poor,  and all the other movies where a similarly scenario happens. I really did think that that was a thing of the past, I guess he did convinced me otherwise. He told he regrets not pursing further studies at university because he couldn't be bothered with school. I tried to cheer him up by pulling the old 'oh by bill gates. steve jobs and.... all made it rich and they all dropped out of high school, you have to take your chances, who knows what could happened....' But he just a lil smirk and said 'One in a million bro, one in a million.'

Money can be so cruel sometimes.


Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Suicide

So recently I found out that Owen Wilson wanted to commit suicide back in 2008, he slitted his wrist and took films. I was quite shocked when I had heard about it since  it was Owen Wilson the super laid back charming guy in the movies. He always seemed so relaxed and easy going, I guess it was all for show all for the camera. We don't get to know what happens when he is home all by himself, the emotions that run through him on a daily basis. I think the thing with suicide is that it ends your chances of your life getting better at all, you just pass on all that sorrow and sadness to the ones around you. I guess the hard thing to understand about depression is that it just takes over you, and sometimes you have no control. Your a whole new person. Depression drains the life out of you, you dwell over the meaningless of life, and ask yourself what difference does it make if you do kill yourself. The concept of depression is very hard to understand for those who have not been there, a lot of people just says things like 'Oh just get over it' ' Why you being sad for cheer up' 'Why are you doing this to yourself, thats very stupid of you' and hence that just makes it harder to open up. This is why people end of relying on drugs and alcohol as it gives them a chance to escape reality for a little bit, and from their it just goes downhill. In a money driven world where people strive to be capitalists, life gets very busy. People seem to be more distant and hence our feelings and emotions can be overlooked sometimes. Or maybe all the time.

“When you're young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you're laughing again.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

Monday, 17 June 2013

The Internship

The Internships is one the funniest movies I have seen in a while. Two salesmen partners who just lost their jobs dive deep in the dark whole of unemployment, taking their chances by lying their way through the Google interview to get a Internship. After that they had to go through many hardships since they knew nothing about computers, but their bond got them through all of it. At the end they landed the job, man being optimistic does pay through. If only life always ended with a happy ending, just like in the movies

Friday, 14 June 2013

Letter to future self

So I decided to watch some episodes of  the old How I Meant Your Mother on my study break remembering how good they were. I came across the episode of where Marshall writes a letter for himself for the future. It made my want to write one, I decided to scout the internet so see what other people wrote about. I came across this post where this lady finds the letter she wrote to herself when she was 17, she is now 27 in present time. It made me think about a lot of things.

At 17, I never thought my life would turn out like this

One woman reflects on things #10yrslater

I stumbled into my cluttered shoebox of a studio apartment in Hollywood at about midnight—earlier than I’d planned to get home, but after what had seemed like the longest day ever—and looked down at my stack of mail. Sticking out from under the usual late notices, unpaid bills and rhinestone-studded wedding invitations was a large manila envelope.

As I held it, my thumbs caressing my handwritten name, I recognized the scrawl of a lefty trying so hard to keep her letters in the lines; the subtle restraint in the penmanship of a woman who wished her writing looked sophisticated instead of mirroring her unkempt nature. I recognized it because it was mine.
In my senior year of high school, our teachers had asked us to write a letter to ourselves, to be opened 10 years later. Who did we wish to be at age 27? If we could say anything in the world to our future selves, what would it be?


Ten years later, my letter was back in my hands, forwarded by my parents, who have lived in the same house since before I was born. I sank into the depths of my seafoam green couch, purchased for $100 from Craigslist, and let out a huge sigh.
The letter felt like an omen, especially after the day I’d had. While I was training my last pilates student of the evening, a Beverly Hills fake-breasted type, she said she was worried about me after noticing I’d gained some weight—just as I was preparing to change into the very tight LBD I had brought to wear on my date that night. As much as I wanted to let her have it, I nodded in agreement, afraid that otherwise I might lose her business.


The downward spiral continued on the date itself, when the man I’d been seeing almost daily for two months confessed that he was getting back together with his wife. I hadn’t known he had a wife, let alone that he was contemplating getting back together with her. Maybe I should have been suspicious when he never invited me over to his house. What guy ever let a “lack of furniture” stop him from getting some action? Knowing the truth made me feel like such a fool. I’d really been falling for him, and now he was the latest in a string of assholes I’d worked too hard to impress.


As I tore open the envelope, part of me hoped it would contain some nugget of insight into my inner self that would pull me out of the cycle of disappointment I couldn’t seem to escape, something to trigger me into action toward a better life. Maybe I’d remember that I’d always wanted to become something fabulous, like a doctor—I might even find a line warning me about married men and the spotty paychecks of pilates instructors.


Not a chance. Instead, as I read, it became clear that the younger me had been certain that by now I’d be married to the love of my life, would have several adorable, well-behaved children and, most important, would be filthy rich. All very amusing, but as I got to the end of the letter, my amusement quickly faded:


I know you are going to be reading this 10 years from now…. I am so insecure about myself…. I hope 10 years from now I am really proud of myself, because I am not proud of myself now…. Love yourself, respect yourself, stand up for yourself and don’t let people push you around because I let people do it to me now. Please, please, I hope I am secure and self-assured 10 years from now.

I reread this part over and over. I put the letter down and then came back to the same paragraph five minutes later. At first, I couldn’t figure out why it bothered me. I mean, in a way I didn’t even know who this girl was, didn’t connect with the letter at all. These were the decade-old musings of a child too young to vote!
But I kept seeing that word please. And I could hear my own voice saying it over and over, louder and louder, as though I were begging. And then it struck me: My problem was not that my guy turned out to be married, or that my apartment was a disaster, or that my snobby client had pointed out the extra pounds I was carrying on my midsection.


It was that, in the 10 years after I’d begged myself to learn to treat myself with respect, I still hadn’t done it. When my date told me about his wife, I nodded and thanked him (thanked him!) for his honesty, when I probably should have kicked him in the balls. Sort of like how I should have told my client to mind her own business and focus on improving her own body, not mine. My 17-year-old self suddenly seemed so much wiser than the self I was at 27, and I felt ashamed that after a whole decade I still hadn’t figured out how to stand up for myself.


As soon as I had this thought, my next impulse was to prove that I was more self-assured—that I had changed. Well, to be honest, my very next impulse was to call my date and tell him how stupid he was, how amazing I was and exactly where to shove it. But I stopped myself: Years of dating had taught me the difference between getting revenge and seeming pathetic. Maybe I had changed a little.
Instead, I spent hours staring at the open letter from the other side of the room, thinking about all the times I’d felt unworthy and beaten myself up instead of forgiving myself. I stood in front of the mirror, trying to cry. But the crazy thing was that as each hour passed, with memories of self-loathing blasting through my mind, as much as I tried to feel bad for myself, I couldn’t. The tears wouldn’t come.

Slowly, it became clear that even though the letter was only a few feet away, the space between us was really 10 years of a life that, like my cursive writing, was messy and unkempt but wholeheartedly mine. No, I wasn’t where I thought I’d be when I wrote to myself at 17: I lived alone, single and childless (and not in a mansion); I was financially unstable; and I’d probably had too much to drink. But I knew that this was where I was meant to be: just as I am, with 10 years of perfectly imperfect moments behind me. Like dinner parties with my best girlfriends, lit by candles so you couldn’t see the stains on the tablecloth, and finding holes in the seat of my yoga pants after a day of showing clients how to transform their bodies—while showing them my underwear.


And that night, the imperfect—OK, far from perfect—moments came with a lesson, one of those hit-you-over-the-head-write-it-down-and-send-it-to-yourself-10-years-from-now-so-you-don’t-forget kind of lessons. The lesson that 10 years is an arbitrary number, and to have expectations about where you should be in your life at any particular time is soul suicide. That certain fears—of being alone or unsuccessful—might never go away, and that’s OK, because they can be the very things that drive you forward. That happiness might be found quietly resting in a tiny shoebox of an apartment, where you realize that even though life might not be quite what you expected, it’s still pretty great.

I think the biggest lesson I took from that letter was that I do have one obligation to myself, one that my 17-year-old na├»ve self somehow knew to articulate and my 27-year-old self suddenly understood: I need to love and respect my process of self-discovery. Because it’s exactly that: a process. I should feel comfortable that my experiences are learning moments teaching me step-by-step how to love and embrace me, cellulite and all. That even if the progress is subtle, it’s there, and I’m doing the best I can. And I think—no, I know—that’s something to be proud of.


I wondered for a moment what my 17-year-old self would think if she could see me now. I assumed she would convince me to get rid of the hideous green couch, put a new one on the credit card and pay it off later. I bet she would like my haircolor and think pilates was awesome. I guessed she might like me, too. A lot, actually.
And if my 17-year-old self saw me now and was asked to write to me again, I imagined her letter might end with “Next time, kick him in the balls

Time is limited

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out on your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
Steve Jobs
Sometimes I just wish this can be done as easily as it has been said

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

It Just Sticks

Sometimes when I'm having a bad day, I want to distant myself from the inner monologue that I have with myself. But I have come to realise that its so hard to do so. I tell myself that I would think about the positives things but the negative monologue always comes back. I guess I have matured over the past year and the negative talking is not as bad, and I tend to get over things more faster but its just so difficult to do so sometimes. Its like when you are in a situation where you laugh at something serious when you are not meant to, or when you feeling like crying when you don't want to. I thought you have control over your emotions, but sometimes some words just hit all the right buttons, and all the emotions just flow out.

Friday, 7 June 2013

Died so young

So today I found about a guy that died who was in the same grade as me. Even though I don't know the person I still cringed and felt really stiff on the inside, I don't know maybe it was due that we were the same age which created a connection. Made the think again about how precious life is that person had so much ahead of him. From what I heard he died from car accident, crashing into a gate. Even though we can never know when we  are going to die, we can always minimize the risks. Don't speed, stay safe.

Thursday, 6 June 2013

Volunteering at a hospital Trichotillomania Emotions

So the other day I went volunteering at a hospital in a children's mental ward. Some seem very happy to see me, some seemed so lost, and some were just really really anxious. I played plant vs zombies, table tennis, wii, made sandwiches, solved 1000 piece puzzles with most of them. Some of them were having a great time always smiling, whilst others were constantly looking at the ground. The nurse even got them to talk about their feelings if they wanted to. There was this one particular girl that I felt really sorry for, her name was Sarah. She was 16 years of age and has this rare disorder called Trichotillomania. Its a disorder where you are constantly pulling your hair out and have no control over it. She describes it as if its like an addiction, how she is always fiddling with her hair pulling it off. Sometimes she even goes crazy with it, pulling it out frantically saying that it gives her some relief when she is really sad, down or stressed. But its an ever lasting cycle pulling out her hair is like a coping mechanism then, only to make her feel more depressed later on. She has so many bald patches that she has to shave her had off. People around her are always saying 'Why are you doing this to yourself ' ' You are so stupid get some control over your life' ' Do you have cancer or something?' ' You know your only making yourself uglier right ' ' Stop being an attention seeker ! ' She told me that there was many times when she felt like committing suicide, the only thing I could tell her is that the pain her parents will have to endure for the rest of their lives if she committed the act, how precious life is, and the wonderful things to experience in life when you get the chance to. I told her about the thousands of refugees out there that have to go through many hardships and excruciating pain at times to escape persecution and find a better way of life because to them life is precious.   She also told me how she really wanted a boyfriend. I just told her that in life whenever we feeling really down, we always want to have a partner to fill that void. But if your in a relationship were and you unhappy with yourself, don't accept who you, that as a result is going to have an adverse affect on the relationship. I hope I told her the right thing.

We go through a roller coaster of emotions every day. Our moods are constantly changing from time to time. We could be both happy and sad for no reason. At times we could look in the mirror and say darn I look good today, others days you could feel discontent about how you look. Some days we hate the life we are living, other days you feel lucky to have the life you have.  Before I thought you could control your emotions, but I’m starting to realize that emotions arise subjectively without you making a conscious effort.

Let say someone insulted you and you feel your blood pressure rise. For a minute, as your body floods with resentment, your chance of staying calm is slim. You take a deep breath. Turning away expressionless, you muster all the spiritual benevolence you can, and for once you don't counter-attack. You say something impressively forgiving and dignified.
Hard do you eh, I guess it just comes down to how you interpret and respond to the situation,  your emotions control you when you assume there's only one way to react, but you always have a choice. Make the right one.
Sometimes though its due to the negative core beliefs about oneself. There are people who think of themselves not highly enough. Their self-esteem is essentially in the gutter, and their emotions are the result of not being able to love themselves adequately.


Sometimes you just have to change your perspective on life. 

The guide to 'How to not give a fuck' http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/


Saturday, 18 May 2013

Being average

We are all born to be great, yet a lot of us make the decision to be 'average.' Ever get that feeling when you see a really great body transformation get all motivated hyped up, feeling that greatness about to burst out of you. Yet its easier seeing a video of a body transformation then to put in sweat blood and tears to get to where that person is. Or when you meet an inspiring person who has achieved their dreams their goals. Whether it is becoming an elite sportsmen, or a doctor, or taking the risk and opening  up a business which turns out to be successful, or saving up enough money to travel the world, or helping the sick in developing countries, or promoting peace. You stir up, you feel pumped up, you feel that you can also achieve your dreams and aspirations. Or when you lose yourself in songs listening to your favourite artists and inside your like man if only I can be that person, that should be me. We are all attracted to greatness, but its so much easier to see greatness to watch greatness rather then put in the time, the energy to discipline yourself to makes sacrifices. So thats why your average, thats why your frustrated. Your not suppose to live like you should live, have what you should have, your not being who you should be and thats why you don't wanna wake up in the morning. Thats why you hate Mondays cause Monday is suppose to be the day that your suppose to mow and shape your greatness, and thats why you love Friday cause on Friday you don't have to face reality, you can chill. Cause everyone can forgot about that they didn't become who they are suppose to be. 

And thats why I hate myself sometimes, sometimes I go to bed thinking man Denny you should of done that today, why don't you try harder in your studies, why are you wasting precious time, why don't you do the things you want to do rather then the things everyone else wants you to do, why aren't you carving out the person your suppose to be. 

Sometimes you just have all these amazing goals and aspiration, but it takes to much effort and time so you settle for something else, something 'average' then you hate yourself for it afterwards. The way the human mind works is just so interesting. The idea of being comfortable and average seems appealing to a vast majority of people. This is why we see so many people in jobs, uni courses relationships that they are not happy in. Unfamiliarity scares and intimidates people, and this fear is what hinders personal growth.Most of us are all scared of failure if they though we haven't even tried yet. 

'Suffer the pain of disciplined, or else suffer the pain of regret'



Saturday, 4 May 2013

Accepting Yourself, Mind Over Matter


If you don’t approve of yourself, of your behaviour and actions then you’ll probably walk around most of the day with a sort of uncomfortable feeling. If you, on the other hand, approve of yourself then you tend to become relaxed and gain inner freedom to do more of what you really want.
This can, in a related way, be a big obstacle in personal growth. You may have all the right tools to grow in some way but you feel an inner resistance. You can’t get there.
What you may be bumping into there are success barriers. You are putting up barriers in your own mind of what you may or may not deserve. Or barriers that tell you what you are capable of. They might tell you that you aren’t really that kind of person that could this thing that you’re attempting.
Or if you make some headway in the direction you want to go you may start to sabotage for yourself. To keep yourself in a place that is familiar for you.
So you need give yourself approval and allow yourself to be who you want to be. Not look for the approval from others. But from yourself. To dissolve that inner barrier or let go of that self-sabotaging tendency. This is no easy task and it can take time.
I think these days we always seeking the approval of others, feel the need to fit in to something in order to feel a sense of belonging. Sometimes we even go out to seek a successful personality and attempt to duplicate it.  I mean always always being yourself, expressing yourself and having faith in yourself is a hard thing. We do it sometimes, but other times we forget or back into old thoughts patterns. 
But I believe that being the real you will work better. Because there the genuine you is shining through. Without incongruency, mixed mesisages or perhaps a sort of phoniness. It’s you to 100%. It’s you with not only your words but you with your voice tonality and body language  which some say is over 90% of communication on the same wavelength as your words. It’s you coming through on all channels of communication.
So I’m not saying: “yeah man, you should just be yourself because it’s the right thing to do etc.” I’m saying that I think being your authentic self   the one that needs little validation from others, the one where your ego is not running the show and trying to get something from someone – will give more satisfaction in your day to day life because you are in alignment with yourself. And because people really like genuine and people really like authenticity.


“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
So many limitations are mostly in our minds. We may for instance think that people will disapprove because we are too tall, too old or balding. But these things mostly matter when you think they matter. Because you become self-conscious and worried about what people may think.
And people pick up on that and may react in negative ways. Or you may interpret anything they do as a negative reaction because you are so fearful of a bad reaction and so focused inward on yourself.
If you, on the other hand, don’t mind then people tend to not mind that much either. And if you don’t mind then you won’t let that part of yourself become a self imposed roadblock in your life.
It is, for instance, seldom too late to do what you want to do.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
Jay Sean song 'Where you are'  is so good its addictive

One of the Janoskians is dating Ariana Grande, that guy must of had smooth moves wooing a girl all the way from Australia haha

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Happiness

So after reading a few philosophy thesis about the concept of happiness, I have thought long and hard about it myself. Today at the bus station a man asked when the 807 is going to come, of which I told him would arrive in a few minutes. After a minutes of small talk he told me ' You know what really bothers me, I have a beautiful wife, two wonderful kids and a well paid 9-5 job yet I'm not happy with life at the moment.' This got me really thinking, I mean a lot of us all grow up seeking what this man has,  yet he wasn't happy.....

I remember reading extracts from Viktor Frankl book 'Man's search for meaning' a Jewish psychiatrist who was arrested and transported into a concentration camp. Three years later when the camp was freed most of his family including his pregnant wife died, but he prisoner number 119104 lived. He concluded from this experiences at the camp that the difference between those that lived and those that perished came down to one thing, Meaning a insight that came early in his life. He recounts how a chemistry teacher told him once that life is nothing more than a combustion process. He jumped out of his chair and told the teacher 'Sir if that is so what is the meaning of life.' As he saw in the camps those that found meaning in life even in the most horrendous circumstances were far more resilient  to suffering that those that did not. "Everything can be taken from man except one thing, the last of human freedom , to choose one's attitude in any given circumstances, to choose one's own way.' He writes of two suicidal inmates both hopeless thinking that there was nothing else to live for in life. ' In this case it was getting them to realize that life was still excepting something from them. For one man it was his young son still living in a foreign country. For the other, a scientist, it was the series of books that he needed to finish.'

Frankl writes ' This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives a meaning to his existence has a bearing on creative work as much as it does on human love. When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence has its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears towards a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the 'why' for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any 'how'.'

I'm still trying to wrap my head around that...

I guess striving for happiness makes you a 'taker' rather than a 'giver' happiness is about drive reduction. If your hungry you satisfy, if you want something you buy it. People become happy, in other words, when they get what they want. Happy people get a lot of joy from erecieving benefits from others while leading meaningful lives get a lot of joy from giving to others. Living a meaningful life is like using your highiest strengths and talents to belong and serve something you believe is larger then the self. Which in fact is a very hard thing to do. Happiness is an emotion felt here and there, ultimately fades away just as all emotions do. After experiencing depression and getting out of it I think suffering and negative events does decrease your happiness but it overall increases the amount of meaning you have in life. You start to appreciate life more, and not take everything you have for granted. I guess if there is any meaning in life at all, there must be meaning in suffering.

I guess by devoting our lives to 'giving' rather than 'taking' we are not only expressing our fundamental humanity, but are also acknowleding  that there is more to the good life than the pursuit of simple happiness.

.....keep smiling :)


Monday, 22 April 2013

What an awesome cop

So today  I saw this video where a man was dancing by himself to the music (whatta brave soul) then a police officer feels the vibe and joins in, challenging each other with dance moves. It was such a feel good video, knowing that there are people out there that aren't afraid of having a good time. That old man sure does have the moves like jagger. Gotta love Aussie Land

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=352261971540074&set=vb.350254428407495&type=2&theater

Sunday, 21 April 2013

Dog paddle

Today at the pools after doing doing my normal laps, I decided to do the dog paddle to see how long it would take to get across to the other side. So after dog paddling around half way this beautiful half cast girl looks at me and laughs. She then asked if I knew how to swim, I opened to my mouth to say yes, in the gist of the moment however I said no. She then proceeded and ask do you want me to teach you. At this point in time I was kinda nervous and didn't know what to say, so I just nodded my head. From there she went on teaching me all the four strokes the freestyle, breast stroke, butterfly and the back stroke. I acted dumb the whole time pretending to not know how to swim. She was so down to earth sharing stories of how she accidentally let one rip when she received best dressed back in high school graduation, to how she fell into the mud face first after coming 2nd in high jump. So after about 90 minutes she mum waved to her asking her to go home. I told her that I would probably see her next week without asking for her contacts details. However after she got dressed she came up to me with a notepad asking for my email, telling me that we'll keep in contact. Email how interesting....

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